I left off my last post telling you all about the beautiful birth of my son. I won't say that I instantly became mother of the year. I suffered Post Natal Depression and it took me a while to get in the swing of things, but when I did... oh dear, I loved my baby more than I ever thought possible! Life was great and as he began to grow, my husband and I decided it was time for us to consider doing IVF again.
So there we were, booking our next lot appointments and getting ready to go through the whole process once again. This time the treatment went without a hitch, but when it came time to finding out how many eggs were fertilised, sadly it was just one. Still I held out hope. After 12 weeks of treatment and the two week wait, we found out that we did not fall pregnant. This cycle repeated quite a few times and each time, I cried a river of tears. Our efforts seemed for nothing, and in my heart I couldn't understand how we had fallen pregnant the first time and yet every one since was a fail.
I had kind, caring people who tried to comfort me, but their words also hurt when they said things like, "Well, you should be thankful that you have a beautiful son." I wanted to bite back and say, "Whatever gave you the idea I wasn't thankful?" Still I held my tongue. When you long for a big family, you want a big family, and in my very core I knew that God had more in store for me.
Fast forward another year and once again I started treatment, this time I did get pregnant and I was so excited. But the excitement was short lived, as I miscarried very early on. I was inconsolable. If it wasn't for the fact I had to look after my toddler son. I would not have gotten out of bed, the tears a constant stream, the ache in my chest making it hard to breathe.
I was so angry at God. I couldn't understand why He had taken my baby no matter how early it was. I screamed at Him more than I would like to write about. But my Heavenly Father is so forgiving.
As I was sitting outside having a cup of tea, just days after my miscarriage, I heard the Lord whisper to me. "It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be hurt, but please believe my plans are bigger." No more than five minutes later, I got a call from the IVF clinic saying that they had an opening if I wanted to go again. I knew how long the wait times were, and I also knew that God once again had just opened a door. But was my heart ready to be disappointed again? No it was not. Still like the very first time I went through the whole process, I had this unshakeable faith, this knowing that God had this one in hand.
All of a sudden the reality hit me square in the face. I had stopped praying and trusting that God was in this decision. Because He answered my prayer the first time, I just naturally thought He would answer them all. Before I said yes, I knelt down on the lawn and prayed. I handed the entire treatment over to God once again and promised to trust Him no matter the outcome.
Lo and behold, I fell pregnant... and this time... it was twins! Here's the thing I realised later on. If the pregnancy before them had gone full term, I never would have got to meet the two precious sons I have now. Yes, I had two more boys, and bringing them in to the world was one of the hardest seasons of my life. I was in hospital the entire pregnancy and I missed my eldest who was a toddler at the time very much! Seeing him every few days was torture to my heart. But I would do it all over again to receive the gift I was given.
After my twins were born, I went through the IVF treatment five more times, with no success. As I went to sign up for just one more go, the Lord stopped me. "Do you remember the vision I gave you?" Instantly He reminded me of the night all those years ago we went to our bible study group and the stranger told us he saw us with three babies wrapped in blue, resting in the palm of the hand. God had answered me, and told me my season of treatments after 10 years was over. I thought I would feel sad, that the possibility of more children was over. But I wasn't. God had given me more than I could ever thank Him for. He had blessed me more than I could describe.
Not only had he opened doors for me, but He also brought amazing people into my life. People who also struggled with infertility. Some went on to have children, others did not. What I mean by that is that they may not have conceived, but they took other roads. Adoption, foster care, permanent foster care! They realised that God, no matter the circumstances would answer their prayers to be parents, maybe just not in the way they envisioned.
I wish I could write more, tell you the entire journey and every small detail, and maybe one day I will! I wish I could describe every heart breaking moment, the depression, the feeling alone, the jealousy, hurt, the fights, all of it. But to fit 10 years of pain into a few posts is impossible, so I focused on the miracles in this story instead. If you can take one thing away from this, it would be...
Trust in God! It may not be the way you expected, but He does answer! Find those things that can keep you focused on the Father, like music, scriptures, praying friends, journaling. Crush negative thoughts before they have a chance to take hold. Talk to people in the same situation. Cry if you need to, scream, shout, hit the pillow, sit in the shower. God knows your hurt, He knows every moment of your life. But always go back to trust...trust in His plan, His timing, His love for you! Yes, Praise Him in the storm!
I hope this series blessed you. If you know someone who could be encouraged by this, then by all means share it. If you need prayer or someone to stand with you, feel free to msg me!
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